while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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