At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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