I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
