if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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