Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize