Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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