In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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