meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
