Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
