I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
