you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
