she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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