Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
