Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
