u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
