Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
