she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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