Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
