Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
