I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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