what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
