Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
