i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
