nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
