I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
