Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
how drunk are you?
Several
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
