I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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