I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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