The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
