Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
