why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Found your dick twin last night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
me + whiskey = a bad person
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
