I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
