From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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