well I can't set my house on fire every night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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