i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
