I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
