nut hugger
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
