she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Randomize
