Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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