my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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