I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
