You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
