when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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