Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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