Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
