my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
