I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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