Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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