If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
