I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
