I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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