They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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