loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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