Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
