remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
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Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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