Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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