I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
