I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize
