turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
