i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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