i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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