Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
